The image that you have of your self is critical to the way you enjoy your life. I realized decades ago that it was damaging to me to habitually criticise myself. You might call it an editorial attitude. Of course, you want to do things well and be the best person you can be but it is damaging to look for the bad habitually. My dad considered it his job to always show me ways to improve what I was doing and passed the trait along to me. Not helpful. So far as parenting is concerned, teaching self-criticism to a child, who may have achieved an accomplishment, ruins the benefit for them — now the accomplishment is perceived as a failing. My kids were all grown up by the time I got this figured out — too late to undo damage if it was done, a frequent regret. Always, always admire what your child has done if you want them to be confident and intelligent.
Adults handle criticism better than children but not always or in the same way. It is desirable not to harm somebody’s image of themselves by exercising care to be gentle if criticism is necessary. I once got trapped by circumstance to hurt someone unnecessarily. A film producer, who wanted my good opinion over an “art film” he had made, invited me to see its premier showing. It was bloody awful and I left my seat early, before the end, in order to avoid running into him. I walked up the aisle of the theatre and he was there at the back waiting to receive audience congratulations. I was shocked and my fragile social skills failed me completely when a comment was required. I told him it was “interesting” — probably the worst thing to say — and he was severely offended. If he had been a child with an absurd drawing to show me, I would have exclaimed over its beauty and his talent giving him a chance to know himself as capable, smart and liked by other people. He would not know what I said is a lie. Neither would it teach him that adults are liars.
Being on the receiving end of another person’s negativity — from my second wife — gave me a clear impression that she had experienced one put-down after another in childhood because she did it to me. Some people have a skill in harmless sarcasm that can be employed enjoyably with another who possesses the same skill. However, I am not one of those. Mary would say hurtful things to me and explain that my feelings cannot be hurt by humor — exactly as she had been told by her parents. You cannot control how your parents raised you. You can only control your own behavior through self-awareness.
Parents cannot guarantee your self-confidence if they do not teach you how to safeguard it yourself. My parents were idealistic Christians who believed in literal biblical truth. If I was punched in the face, I should turn my head so the aggressor could hit the other side, turning my “other cheek” as the bible directed. In this way, I was taught cowardice (and its partner, low self-esteem). Learning to fight would have been better. My recommendation to parents is this: Teach your kids never to allow anyone to mistreat them verbally or physically without an appropriate level of resistance. Hurting back is the key to a verbal or physical blow.
Everybody wants their children to be smart. It is not possible to make them more intelligent than their mental gifts allow but it is certain that you can help to prevent them from wasting their cerebral inheritance. Much of the materials given to their generation — at any point — will be designed to turn them into “good” consumers for the benefit of merchandizing — instead of for their development which will suffer. Their peers will be responding enthusiastically to TV and video gaming of this sort — which you can limit or excise for your kids to supplant with stimulating discoveries in reality. Sorry, we all know how difficult this can be in our stressful times. It is not the only challenge of modern parenting.
A very big one has to do with their likely encounter with dangerous drugs. I believe I have something helpful to say about that. My first wife and I met at a country commune where drug activity was discussed by all and practiced by some. Our relationship collapsed early and became toxic eventually but we agreed about parenting that it was the best part of our marriage — the only thing we did well. A very important part of this was that we could share our drug experiences with them frankly, knowing the peer pressure they would face and the dangerous likelihoods that might crop up. This appears to have worked well as a protection against the ignorant enthusiasm of a few.
Has anyone noticed that I appear to be opinionated in this article? I suppose I am, preferring to be “right” as do we all. I have spent little time suggesting how to implement things I suggest. That is a fault but I am not done yet observing and commenting. Here it is: The world we live in is getting more difficult with each year that goes by. Quentin Sceptor’s prescient article about the impending loss of the Amazon forest ought to motivate young families. Perhaps it will be very much more difficult by the time young parents of today are doting grandparents, perhaps not drastically different until your grandchildren become grandparents themselves — but there is some likelihood that the children of today will face problems we do not have now or suspect. My recommendation is that Parents aim to develop children with problem-solving abilities, courage and resolve. If finding pleasure is the central aim of children, they may be unable to cope in a harsh future that is probably, that is very probably, that is nearly certainly coming.